Monday, November 26, 2012

I Love Love

I hate Moulin Rouge.  In theory I should love it because I love musicals and shiny things, but I most definitely do NOT love Moulin Rouge.

It`s not the casting.  I think Nicole Kidman is lovely and a very gifted actress.  And I love Ewan McGregor too.  But when I say I love Ewan McGregor, I mean specifically when he`s a junkie or murderer or general badass misbehaver.  He was also pretty awesome in Big Fish.  However, I do not enjoy him when he`s a lovestruck sap surrounded by a bunch of hearts and singing about love with some girl named Satine.

By now it may be apparent that I do not enjoy movie love.  Never have.  I find scripted romances contrived and boring, and I simply do not want any part of them.  It`s okay if people happen to be in love in movies, like Butch and Fabienne in Pulp Fiction.  But as far as I`m concerned cinematic love must never overshadow witty banter about hamburgers and shooting people in the face.

A few years ago I was on my way to Winnipeg with a van full of dancers for a big Championship.  It was a pretty long trip, and we all took turns selecting the music.  I cannot even count the number of times I heard the enthusiastic words "Let`s listen to the Moulin Rouge soundtrack again!!!", but I kind of felt like stabbing myself in the eye a little bit somewhere around Kingston (ie 2 or 3 hours in).  And I have one of those eye things where the idea of anything even touching my eye makes me freak out and I can`t think about anything else for days.  But I could grin and bear my contempt and it was all fine because I knew that every six hours or so I would be allowed to put on some depressing emo shit for 48 minutes and everyone else would know my suffering.  Take that world!

So I quietly sat through the Moulin Rouge soundtrack as it took its 87th course, and maybe even sang along a little just so nobody was onto me.  But then someone said to me specifically "Don`t you just love Moulin Rouge?"  

At that point I basically exploded.


This tirade continued for quite some time because you find that you have a lot of pent up frustration when you`ve just listened to an overproduced cover of Roxanne twice an hour every single hour for the past three days.  Apparently my misery was hilarious because they all started laughing hysterically, and "I love love cuz lovin`love is like love" became something of a theme song.  The music rotation also became more diverse after that, and a 4 times per day Moulin Rouge policy may have been invoked.

The following year we went to Nova Scotia and collectively penned a love ballad for a penguin wedding and performed a matrimonial ceremony for our McDonalds Happy Meal toys. Yes, some of us were in our twenties.

Saturday, November 24, 2012

Just One Cigarette

When I was living in Melbourne, let`s just say it wasn`t necessarily a five star resort.  Or even a one star.  But it was the cheapest place in town and it had free internet and that was good enough for me.  I ended up living there for three months, and it was pretty much the best time of my entire life.

When you travel a lot you are always finding really special single serving friends as we`ve all learned from our friend Tyler Durden.  You have lots of fun for a short time, and then you can go your own way.  But Melbourne was different.  The place I stayed was love it or hate it, but if you ended up getting involved it was like finding a family.

The story of how I became super best friends with the Receptionist/Manager is a strange one.  She thought I was a lesbian because I was wearing a Harvard hoodie with a smock dress and leggings, and also because she tends to think everyone is a lesbian.  Really I had just got off a 12 hour bus ride and was wearing the most comfortable thing I owned. We ended up hanging out a bit, and then on my fifth night she was overbooked and told me that I could stay in her room for free.  I considered this an acceptable arrangement.

Shortly thereafter I found a job in Melbourne and she invited me to stay in her room at an awesome rate for the rest of my time in Melbourne.  We stayed up late singing Rocky Horror songs and the American National Anthem and ate our cheap deep fried take-out from down the road.

I decided I wanted to do something special for her, so I teamed up with a guy who had also stayed there and was a musician and he agreed to help me write a song.  So, this original song is dedicated to Courtney for putting up with all the bizarre and disgusting bullshit that she did, and to all my awesome Melbourne peeps. HUGZ!!!

Just One Cigarette
Holy fuck I just slept in
And now it`s half past ten and I`ve
Got to get this hostel clean
And oh my god I`ve lost my keys
Oh wait they`re in my boobs again
Now I can check this tosser in
Just one cigarette then down to work!

Sometimes I hate everyone around
On call seven days a week
Bedroom open to the street
And sometimes there`s just too much to do
I will never get this done
Fuck it let`s go have some fun

Holy fuck the kitchen`s trashed
Dishes piled up to the sky
Why can`t people read the signs
And what is with that crazy woman
Sticking forks in toasters
You just can`t do that if it`s plugged in
Just one cigarette then save some lives

Holy fuck I hate room four
Drunk guy pissing on the floor
This ain`t what they pay me for
Why can`t people use the toilets
Oh great somebody smashed it
Hope nobody needs to take a shit
Just one cigarette then disinfect

Holy fuck we`re overbooked
And now I wish that I was dead
Backpacker sleeping in my bed
What to do if he complains
Just shove him in the top bunk
And then tell him it`s a sweet upgrade
Just one cigarette then spoon that jerk.

Go Urinate

Back when I was living in Melbourne we had this situation where somebody decided to smash in one of the toilets on St. Patty`s Day.  It was a hostel that hosted around 30 people at any given time, and there were only two toilets.  Needless to say, this was not optimal.  A month later it still had not been fixed, and had become something of a joke.  Seriously, one toilet for 30 people could have be the foundation of a reality show.

The balcony was the place to be at the hostel, so every night we`d all congregate outside and laugh and talk and drink goon until all hours of the night.  My hetero girlfriend Dominique and I would relive our favourite Glee moments together, and listen to Glee songs, and talk about how we kind of wanted to be in charge of Glee so that we could always get the plot outcome and song selection that we wanted.  One thing we agreed on was that WE LOVE LEA MICHELE!!!  We would constantly talk about which Rachel Berry song was our favourite, and how she was the best singer in the entire world.  We both considered "Don`t Rain on My Parade" to be a solid contender.  (The one where she rocked it at Sectionals first season, not the unfortunate NYATA audition version.)

Dom and I also really liked her cover of the Fleetwood Mac song "Go Your Own Way", and we used to sing it a lot.  One night when we were on the balcony I had to use the facility, and to excuse myself I said something about urinating.  We both simultaneously discovered that the word "urinate" kind of sounds a bit like "your own way", at which point we burst into choruses of  "You can go urinate, go urinate..." which we decided was hilarious.  Then I left to go to the bathroom.

About 20 minutes later Dom started wondering where I went.  I had been piecing together the rest of the lyrics, which lamented our broken toilet situation.  I put together two verses, then grabbed her from the balcony and kidnapped her.  She was confused, as she had no idea what I had been up to.  So I told her to sit down and I was going to perform for her.  I started trying to sing the song I had just written, but I was so drunk on goon and it was such a terrible song that we both just started laughing hysterically as soon as she figured out what was going on.  I couldn`t speak I was laughing so hard, and had I not just been to the toilet I probably would`ve peed myself.  But I managed to squeak out a few of the lyrics, and then ultimately just gave her a copy of the song because there was absolutely no way I was getting through it.  So, without further ado!

Go Urinate

Bathroom 2 isn`t the right place to poo
How can I when someone smashed in the seat
If I could baby I`d fix it for you
How can we have any fibre to eat

Oh, you can go urinate
Go urinate
You can call in a plumber for today
A plumber for today

Tell me why
It`s been a month of this
Wait in line, hold it in`s all you can do
Takes so long, baby to just take a piss
Even worse when someone goes number two

Oh, you can go urinate
Go urinate
You can call in a plumber for today
A plumber for today

Sue Sylvester`s Chicago Anthem

I love Sue Sylvester.  Not so much when she went soft last season, but the raging sociopathic bitch that won an Emmy and Golden Globe and liked to think of homeless people as "outdoorsy".  Ah the good old days.  So in my imaginary Chicago episode I pictured her decked out in a gold Adidas gown and maybe a feather boa singing about her contempt for children.

Sue Sylvester`s Chicago Anthem
Ask any of the bobbleheads on my squad
They’ll say I’m feared more than the wrath of God
I hate them all and all of them hate me
Because the system works, the system called fierce brutality

Got a little motto always sees me through
If you irritate me I will punish you
There’s a lot of people I wish did not exist
Schuester and your Glee freaks you’re top of my list

The law says not to torture kids and claims I’m merciless
But rights are bleeding heart ideas for dumb socialists

Don’t you know their spirits need to be destroyed?
When you coddle artists they’ll be unemployed

Still surprised you’re picked on by the kids at school?
Maybe take a hint that sequins aren’t that cool
People are offended by your lame jazz hands
That’s why all you pop hacks have no facebook friends

Jewish girl have your ego checked, you’re not Celine Dion
Porcelain you are a dude, so don’t wear silk chiffon

Let’s say that your music makes me want a gun
Man I wish our President was Republican

So what’s the one conclusion I could bring this number to?
If you’re in the Glee Club I’ll humiliate you!

Reaching For the Gold

As a hard core Gleek from day 1, I needed for New Directions to win Nationals.  I had witnessed the Finchel disaster that was Season 2 Nationals, and the upset of their awesome Journey medley losing to those assholes Vocal Adrenaline in season 1.  In fact, I was so invested in season 3 victory that I wrote an anthem to cheer them on.  This one isn`t a parody or anything, so don`t worry about trying to figure out what tune it`s supposed to be.  I am the only one who knows it, and trust me you`re not really missing out.

Reaching For the Gold
Teacher I have done my homework and read all the texts
But education hasn’t taught what happens to me next
I know history but not the future
An A in math but life not so sure
Will I get married?  Will I be poor?
Where’s that in my SAT score?

We’re living out our mysteries
And taking on uncertainty
We don’t know what the future holds
But we’re breaking out and reaching for gold

Did I make the right decision?  Will I make my mother proud?
No more curfews or vegetables.  No more asking if I’m allowed
Is there anything that I should know?
One last pep talk before the big show
A journey of joy and high achieving
As long as I don’t stop believing

It’s time to start a new life but I won’t forget the past
Lessons learned I’m wiser now.  It’s all gone by so fast
I’m on my own with the world to take
I’ll make mistakes but they’re mine to make
And when life hits those rocky bits
My hopes and dreams will guide me through it

The Sounds of Science

In keeping with my tradition of Paul Simon, this is part of the Glee collection. Yes I write Glee fan fic.  I just really miss it when it`s not on!

The Sounds of Science
Hello physics my old friend
I have to learn you by week’s end
Because if I fail another lab
The teacher says that I’ll miss my grad
And I really think it’s time I finish school
While I’m still cool
But I just don’t get science

In restless dreams of electrons
There’s way too much information
I read the table of elements
But had to stop after Hydrogen
Because explaining the universe is really hard
I’m not that smart
I really don’t like science

And in the light spectrum I saw
Cyan yellow magenta
Motion time and velocity
The theory of relativity
Einstein figured out E=MC squared
With frizzy hair
Big fashion fail for science

I won’t fail physics now hoorah
Thanks to Wikipedia
But I still have biology
So many things that I find icky
Like the culture of bacteria that’s growing in the petrie dish
And dissecting fish
I hate the smell of science

Call Me (Right Honourab)Al

This is the final one in my making fun of Conservatives song series.  Once again it was about how my Tory friend Josh was going to be Prime Minister, and in this scenario I had coerced my way into a ministerial position even though I was an NDP and we weren`t even in Official Opposition back then.  Not even close!

Call Me (Right Honourab)Al
Josh walks into Parliament
He says "Why does my international policy suck
Why does my international policy suck when my
Minister of Finance is top notch
I need a super awesome IR rep
Even if she is the opposition
Don`t want to end up a PM in a sovereignty graveyard
Leftwingers leftwingers, hippies with no authority
Far away from my cabinet
Mr. Speaker Speaker
Call some order to these proceedings
I don`t find these NDPs amusing anymore.

If elected Prime Minister
Who can be my long lost Minister of International Affairs
I will elect Ella
Ella as Minister of Foreign Affairs